First blush
It’s hard to find the sapce to explore when you’re held back by shame ands tigma. Kirstyn Smith finds out how people manage to push past social barriers to discover their kinky side. Illustration (above) by Topaz Pauls.
You can’t get better - when trying to summarise kink stigma - than the reeks-of-Wilde aphorism: “Never judge a latex book by its rubber pages.” Wise words from Stephanie Leg, S&M queen to the stars, podcaster/comedy writer and BST.
“That stands for Bog Standard Transvestite,” she clarifies. “You adopt a female name, pop a wig on and prance around in a dress.” As well as providing a succinct opener to this article, Stephanie is also seasoned in kink and – despite the flippancy – has been exploring, experiencing and indulging in her feminine side for about 40 years. In particular, she leans towards the more traditional roleplay aspects of man/woman, masculine/feminine, dominant/submissive.
Consider the prescribed intimate scenarios where men are positioned as strong leaders and women as conforming and placatory; Leg is all about role reversal. While she began by adopting this outside of the bedroom – wanting to have doors held open for her, meals paid and compliments given – it took a flyer for an event called Club Lash in Manchester to fully open the doors to her kink. “This immediately led to many months of attending the club and realizing I loved a good spanking,” she says.
“The kind of thing you see in black and white movies of a bygone era: the helpless French maid being chastised by the country gentleman of the manor.” A compulsion took hold and Leg found herself pushing a little bit further each time. She tried small events and meet-ups and took her time finding out what worked for her, for fear that the powerful anticipation associated with this kink would be a let-down in reality. This meant slowly learning how much she liked to be spanked, how hard and for how long, as well as what kinds of things she liked to wear.
“I learnt I liked to be tied down or restrained to a spanking bench and be spanked with a crop or flogger. This can, however, change with each person: some like a cane or paddle which can intensify the pain, but ultimately the rush is then bigger.” Living out a kink is something that most people wait until adulthood to experience, but the initial realisations that you’re into something outside of the norm can often begin in childhood.
“It’s similar to the age where you realise gender is something different, so around about seven to ten,” says psychotherapist Zayna Ratty. “Around the same time you’re beginning to explore the fact that you have a body.” Despite being an intersectional therapist who has extra knowledge in BDSM, polyamory and LGBTQI+ therapy, Ratty describes herself first and foremost simply as a therapist. Her clients often include people who have already seen a therapist who has fixated on some part of their lifestyle or sexuality. “They come to me having been automatically pathologised before,” she says.
“I provide a safe space for them. They tell me things they wouldn’t have told their previous therapist. And that’s where the work begins. When a client is concealing from a therapist because they think they’re going to be judged, then they’re not going to talk. And if you don’t talk, what’s the point of talking therapy?”
People conceal kinks from their therapists for a variety of reasons, but an overwhelming one is that they know they are dealing with something outside of the societal narrative. This, Ratty says, is something that can begin at a very early age. She cites the common example of a young person playing with friends and being tied up at some point. They realise they enjoy it, but don’t understand why and - subsequently - the game is forbidden or denigrated by parents or people in positions of authority. “Already, you’re fighting against the narrative that says these kinds of things are bad, in a very binary way. And usually it’s because they’re not understood.” Unfortunately, this judgement and incomprehension can often linger into adulthood.
Plenty of people who proclaim to be sex-positive often balk at the prospect of anything that wanders outside of the ‘usual’ gender normative, heteronormative concept of sexual pleasure. “People think kink is perverted or illegal,” Leg says. “I believe films and TV programmes still play a large part. If we go back to Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho, the main protagonist Norman Bates dressed in his dead mother’s clothes to kill people.
“Sure, that was a long time ago, but even today a murderer or deviant will be wearing leather, latex or ladies’ underwear to appear mad and unhinged. It’s still not accepted as a regular bedroom activity.” Despite this, the suggestion is that at least 60% of people have fantasised about something kinky. Ratty’s suggestion is that if you’ve ever been to the back area of Ann Summers, then you’ve considered it. “If you’ve had a pair of fluffy handcuffs at any point in your life, then that’s restraint. That’s kink.”
Similarly, if you’ve ever tried any general sex tips – playing with ice cubes, incorporating food into sex or being anything less than 100% gentle with someone in bed – you’ve flirted with temperature play, food play and impact play; all of which fall under the kink umbrella.
“I think it’s one of the last taboos to be spoken about,” says Leg. “Lots of adults on boozed-up nights will joke about the act of sex and general genital prowess, but if one person were to admit they like to be spanked or use nipple clamps or be called a certain name you can bet the piano stops playing or the juke box is unplugged.
Having to admit to liking something which is not popular or perhaps not heard of, makes people become very guarded for fear of rejection or humiliation.” There are, however, a treasure trove of places people can go where they can mix and mingle with likeminded folks. Ratty notes that a vanilla meet-up for kinky people is called a ‘munch’; you can google to find one near you and begin to get involved safely. “As soon as you talk to others, you realise you’re not alone,” agrees Leg.
“Most kink and fetish clubs are very accommodating to first-timers. They’ll talk to you about the night and you can decide for yourself. You’ll be surprised that what you thought was your own original kink is in actual fact shared by many.”
What can sometimes get lost in the discussion of kink stigma or shaming is the very basic fact that your kink should be fun. If you enjoy it and it’s safe and it’s consensual and you know what you’re doing, it will be a happy experience. This is something Ratty brings up when discussing the most interesting kinks she’s come across.
“Ticking exemplifies this. Tickling is about freedom. It’s similar to a balloon fetish when people blow up balloons to bursting or they have people burst balloons on themselves. It’s that intake of pressure followed by that relief. With tickling you start laughing until you can’t stop. And they are beautiful things. There is nothing tremendously unusual about being tickled, being tactile, being fun and joyous. And that’s really what we should be aiming for.”
Leg can back up this assertion. “It hurts no one. If you do see a large latex sex doll with enormous inflatable boobs wearing a pink wig, he’s probably called Steve - he just does this now and again and works in HR and is, in actual fact, a lovely guy.
